I want to be a stand-up comedian but where do I start?
Besides Trevor, Kurt and what’s his name took all the good jokes already about politics, racism and poverty; they left me with only one choice gay jokes – hell!
Do you even know how many people I might offend? But look at our other comedians, making fun of our President bra Jake, so a little homo humour can’t be that bad…. can it? Ag I’m sure I have nothing to be afraid of, it’s not like if I ask by show of hands who is gay in the house tonight that a couple of hands would go… no our people are very conservative or as we like to call it, “still in the closet”
However, I am sure that there is nothing to be afraid of as we are not easily offended – we have been called many, many, many names yet we still growing, we have our own clubs and pubs, even our own Facebook pages, you should really check those out. Especially here in Cape Town, it’s like we have our own little homo factory. You should see the younger generations of homosexuals; they are all over the place and so proud of it. Nowadays, they come out of the closet like this, “hey dad, I’m on drugs and oh yeah I’m gay” it’s as easy as that! In our day we had to hide or feelings and pretend we were straight, coz u know, that’s how normal people are. Most of society do not approve of gays yet they still have all girls’ schools and ones for just boys… what the hell are you thinking, it’s like homo paradise for our young closet cases. Or maybe some parents think ok be gay as long as you get an education, the father would go “you can’t be gay and stupid john, it’s either or”
Gay people have the best careers, fashion designers, chefs, interior decorators, hair stylist etc. I’m talking about homosexual men now just in case you all were thinking these are women I’m talking coz our gay women also known as lesbians are into more extreme careers, like crane operators, mechanics… just to name a few… with homosexual the roles of the man and the woman is reversed. We go to nice places for our holidays, like our gays go to Bangkok, and our lesbians to Australia, you know, because we like going down under.
The young ones jump out of the closet these, no shame, run around going “we have rights” like they on strike from heterosexuality or something. With me back in the day it was quite different – I had to be pulled out by my drunken aunt. You know that aunt or uncle we all have, always the drunkest at a party, talking about everyone’s business…. No you don’t have those kinds of people, you lucky I tell you that. Nowadays I don’t invite that family to any braai or party anymore, ha a, no ways!
But if it wasn’t for her, would I have stepped out? I was feeling rather comfy in there. But so here I am at my 21st party making speeches and thanking my sweet single mother of one, only me and right there in the middle of everything she interrupts everything to make her announcement, no one saw it coming. “I didn’t know I was coming to a lesbian party”. I was like “what, what where is the lesbian???” Looked to my aunt and said who invited her, get this woman out of her she’s drunk. My mother was like “oh dear what!!!!” She took me to a therapist. I really enjoyed that, laid on the couch and just like in the movies and waited till he asked, “so what seems to be the problem” my mother went off, “she’s claiming to be a lesbian”, I was like “ma, I’m not claiming I am a lesbian”. The doctor looked at us, went uh huh and took down a few notes looked up again very puzzled. And yet again he asked, “So what seems to be the problem”. He explained to my mother that this is nothing to be worried about and that it’s completely normal, his choice of words were “She’s a young homosexual adult” can you believe this! In your face mom, it has been proven by a professional that I am normal! He went to university, look at all his diplomas on the walls.
Anyway that was 3 years after I came out at college. You are going to love this. I stayed in a hostel filled with women, (smile) 79 women everyday… PARADISE I tell ya. As I walked up those stairs and women were moving all around in from the bathroom with just towels around, some even in their underwear, I got my hallelujah moment. You know that song that plays in the minds of people reaching a great moment in the movies… hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah. The first song that came to mind is “I’m coming out; I want the world to know!” How could I not get out of that closet? Of course all these girls were straight, or so they thought.