I am very open about my sexual orientation, because that is ultimately what it is. It is how I choose to orient myself sexually and both sexes are included, although not at the same time. Being this open has its liberations however it also has its detriments. I am sure you have heard bisexuals say this many times. It depends on the person and really, it does.
Some lesbians tend to be weary of bisexuals thinking that they ultimately will never go the long haul in a woman to woman relationship, whilst other lesbians brag about only landing straight women thinking they have the unique power to convert. Many men are open to the fact that lesbian action turns them on and what most fail to realise is that many lesbian women feel nauseous at the thought of sperm and ejaculation. I have experienced in both genders a lurking background monster where my partner would fear me running off with their opposite sex thinking that I would “crave that experience again” which can be quite stress full on a relationship.
It’s really not about that. If I am satisfied in a relationship, then there is no reason for me wander off. The same applies to the opposite. If I’m not getting the love I need, I will move on and it will not necessarily be with someone of the opposite sex of my partner. Each relationship is different as each relationship with a man is different and the same applies to female relationships. There is still no craving for a different experience , partners need to feel appreciated, adored, attended to and get plenty affection. If I am craving anything, it means that there is a lack of one of these attributes which needs to be addressed.
I sometimes feel I cannot be all out and open as I would like. I find myself wanting to hang an invisible cloak on the other part of me. I have to be sensitive to my partner’s feelings. If I have a boyfriend, it causes tension if he finds me watching “The L Word” It’s a very different type of jealousy and by trying to understand it, I tend to think that my partner is feeling inadequate not being able to offer the qualities that I enjoy in the opposite of their gender. I have also been made to feel abnormal whilst in a straight relationship because my partner is straight and does not appreciate my orientation. I can’t be straight enough in a straight relationship and I cannot be gay enough in a gay relationship.
I believe many gay people are born gay however I also believe it can develop from past experiences. Our characters are the result of our life’s journey so it is not far off to say this. I dare to say that some lesbian behaviour can result from a lack of a male role model or a bad one at that. These types of circumstances also breed insecurities and whilst I believe everyone has a right to choose who they love, I find it saddening that many lesbians have a deep set dislike for men. I am also amused at the fear gay men show when exposed to a vagina or a naked woman. I sometimes see an unbalance in social circles where straight people hang out with straight people and gay people with gay people. People need their support groups and to be able to relate to them however a think a balance of incorporating both is important. I would like to experience more tolerance from both the gay world and the straight world, the unbalance sometimes makes me feel like I live a double life. I respect “girls only” events but sometimes, I just don’t understand it. I am not sure if it comes from that deniable dislike of men or whether the girls have a fear of being stared at by creepy horny males. The reality is that most men are not turned on by a bunch of girls that look like adolescent boys and in Cape Town this is the case more often than not.
My family would ideally like me to settle down with a nice gentleman, get married, have babies and be loved by everyone in the community. I sometimes get sighs when I mention I may be interested in a girl. I try and look at it from their point of view. I think life would just be easier for them if I lived a straight life as a straight girl in a straight world and the fact that I have that choice, why shouldn’t I? It does put a bit of pressure on me.
I think I am lucky to be attracted to both genders and see it as a gift rather than a curse. I respect your orientation, it would be nice if you respected mine too.
