I don’t think I have any idea what the definition ever was for having a pure heart.
An untainted piece of gold in the middle of the beauty that surrounds and solidifies it in its cocoon of safety. A heart where every beat is simply designed to dance with the happiness of the person it inhibits until its work is done.
Where did I miss the joy of being innocent and untouched by circumstances surrounding my inner core? Did I fail in making it affect me in the wrong ways and taking it to my core when I should have shunned the ugly? Will you ever get it back or didn’t you have it to start with?
When you view my web browser history you might be shocked to what extent I have searched to find the answers I’m looking for. Search engine to search engine asking extensively to find out where all my anger and hatred originated from. When I couldn’t find out where it all started I turned against myself and blamed myself for the ways the world saw me and the way I wanted them to see me. Blaming myself for my short comings and for who I was and brainwashing myself too think I could change this.
I struggle to find truth in the things people say to me, my heart stumbling over bad habits to hate everything I am. The hatred spread like cancer from organ to organ, limb to limb till I was paralyzed with fear of what I am. Never being able to see a good thing in my actions or appearance, my soul fell apart into fragments of nothingness. My trust issues became worse thinking everybody is lying about everything they said about me, at least the good.
Daily struggles of simply thinking I can never pick myself up again, as I can’t stand being surrounded by people. Pulling into myself as I was the only person I wanted in my company, yet I’m still my own worst enemy. My own biggest critic when I’m faced with a mirror.
Most of my life I have been afraid of starting a project for fear of failure, and that makes me a failure to launch. I have abilities I have put hid just not to make a fool out of myself. Talking about being a comedian, being a singer and photographer. Studied all of these things and still stuck in the surrounding fear of failing miserably. Hatred has consumed me for so long I can’t even count it on a calendar.
I still don’t know how to fix me, but I do know that you should never lose your heart. I think I lost my heart a long time ago and if I could I’d fight to the death to get it back, but I don’t even know where it is anymore.
Don’t you dare let the world enslave you as it has me.
