As a self-confessed novice Lesbian (11 years ago), I decided to surprise my then girlfriend (my now wife), with a sex toy. We had been dating for all of 3 months and were both extremely adventurous, so bringing a sex toy into the bedroom was, naturally, the next step!
I stumbled onto a website that sold toys on-line - there was no way I was going into a sex toy shop in Somerset West, where I was well known just to be seen by my local librarian, buying a strap-on!
Well…Spank me gently Georgina! I thought a strap-on was a strap-on was a strap-on! Not true – there were BIG ones and little ones, vibrating and still (almost like Valpré), double sided and singles, pink, blue, black and yellow…how was I ever going to make my choice? The thought did occur to me to just go down to the sex shop but bumping into a client or that darn librarian would have just been mortifying!
So I chose one that was pretty – since my girlfriend was pretty! I didn’t want to scare her and make her run for the hills screaming “Loony Lesbian on the Loose” at the top of her lungs! Somerset West was a small town then – I would never get any business again and would have to move to Pofadder and make a living from alphabetizing books in the local library with the librarian watching over me!
I paid the R256 (postage and packaging included) – thank goodness for modest packaging! Imagine going to collect a parcel at the little post office in Heldevue and out comes a box with SEX TOYS ON-LINE stamped all over it. The only indicator that my parcel was that of a suspicious nature was the little label on the back that said: If undelivered, please return to XXX Manufacturers of fine Plastics! I demurely informed the post office lady that it was Tupperware!
Once back in the privacy of my own home, I ripped open the packaging – and there she was – my very 1st strap-on! A bashful, little pinkish rabbit that vibrated ever so softly when I pushed her button! I named her “Thumper”.
“Thumper” came with straps – lots of them and it was my job to figure out which one went where. There were instructions, in Chinese, and even though I understand a little Chinese:
Sum Ting Wong – that’s not right; Tai Ni Po Ni – small horse; Wai so Dim – it’s dark in here; Wai yu Mun Ching – thought you were on diet, none of these phrases were going to help me with the straps!
So I improvised. And after 40 minutes of creative engineering, “Thumper” seemed to make sense. It was time for me to take her for a test run! Standing in front of my full length mirror, naked as a frog, I climbed into the 1st strap – the one that goes around your waist. It was a bit tight, but then again Chinese people are much slimmer than us South African Ladies, so I took a deep breath and went for the 2nd set of straps – those that fit around your thighs. Well, “fit” being the operative word, was not working. Within seconds I could feel the blood rushing from my thighs up to my waist (breath still held in) and gushing to my head! I needed to lie down but before I got to my bed, my doorbell rang! Swinging around from the fright, I knocked “Thumper” against the pillar of my four-poster bed and suddenly she started vibrating – not softly as she did when I first exposed her to the world, but quite loudly as she was knocking against the steel poster. The doorbell rang again. “Loopy, are you ok”? It was my boss who had come to check on my well- being since I had called in sick for the afternoon.
There I was, naked as a frog, “Thumper” strangling my thighs and waist, vibrating viciously against my four poster bed, blood rushing to my head. I am about to pass out and my boss is at my door!
In my best “sick” voice I called back “Thank you Barbara, I’m fine. Can’t come to the door right now. Not feeling well and my cat is caught between the ceiling fan and the curtain rod – trying to get her down. See you later”!
And that was that – she left! Seriously, my cat is caught between the fan and curtain rod???
Well, it wasn’t all together untrue! My cat was caught but not between the ceiling fan and curtain rod.
Like a Lesbian Houdini I escaped that kitty trap with one svelte move allowing air back into my lungs and releasing my strangled waist and thighs from a life-long suffering of deep vein thrombosis!
I packed “Thumper” Back into her box and years later, decided to give her another run for her money – this time I had back-up – my girlfriend was at home and together we figured out the straps.
Needless to say, we had many pleasurable experiences with “Thumper” once we found that the straps were all adjustable and so were the vibration settings.
New Chinese phrase – Yu Re Li Dum. In Glish On Back.
