I’m pretty sure there are hundreds of titles in the 'for Dummies' series but not one on lesbians. Why I ask? They would make millions off of naïve horny straight males and people with a lack of common sense. To be honest they would have saved us lesbians the effort of flipping these jerks the bird every time. This way we could tell them to go to the library and get a damn education while their at it.
See if you can relate to my dilemma:
1) So who’s the man in the relationship?
Well first off I know you all think we drive Harley’s drink beer and roll our own tampons, but quite the opposite. I didn’t lose my vagina when I started loving woman in fact I started embracing it. So therefore my idiotic fellow specie THERE IS NO MAN!!!
2) So how do you know that you’re gay if you’ve never been with a man?
Well this is easy to answer I’m gay I never wanted to be with a man. This all boils down to me wanting to know kind sir how do you know you’re straight if you’ve never been with a man?
3) So can I take you ladies home tonight?
Is this a trick question (looks over shoulder), Oh my God you are talking to us. Well you know being gay and all makes that decision so difficult as I regularly engage in sexual encounters with strange men, being a lesbian and all.
4) She doesn’t look like a lesbian she is to pretty?
Yeah your right its ungodly possible for us too look attractive, being gay is a curse. At the crack of dawn we turn into ogres and live our lives in the shadows with all the characters of Tim Burton movies.
5) You have short hair you must be lesbian?
Yes my mum is a lesbian, my grandmother is a lesbian, both my aunts are lesbian (hence the fact one has no hair as she is in recovery for breast cancer). That makes complete sense then my father must be a woman too.
6) How do lesbians have sex?
Well, I knew most men don’t have the foggiest idea of where the clitoris is located much less of how it looks but seriously?? Ok what we do is we bend over all the way till we’re between our legs. When you see the anus you’re on the right track, gently stretch open and place your head inside. That’s exactly where your head belongs @ssh*le learn the female anatomy and build the jigsaw.
7) You lesbians all have penis envy
If I don’t f*ck it I don’t want it, that paintbrush has the ugliest handle I’ve ever seen. Why would I tarnish my beautiful femininity with that dangly piece of shrivelled skin? No thank you I’d ask for a refund…
And the third nipple on the boob…
8) Why do you lesbians hate men?
I don’t hate men never have never will just because I don’t sleep with men doesn’t make me hate them. Then every person should hate their family, friends, pets etc. for that exact same reason. As a matter of fact I have quite a group of male friends who respect me for my sexuality and who I am. So lets rethink this question, I don’t hate you because of your gender I dislike you because you’re a freaking idiot!
It’s a pain and a darn headache to say the least!