I feel a loud-lipped lesbian rant coming on, and seeing as though my usual channels (nicotine, alcohol and food) through which I normally air my anger are no longer available to me, a good old blog vent is in order.
So what's the problem?
A couple of weeks ago, when I went to my first therapy session, I was faced with the predicament of admitting to a male psychiatrist that I have a female partner. Anxiety gripped my insides, and fear churned in my veins at the thought of this confession. You see, normally, I don't declare my sexuality outright unless I've measured the atmosphere and have tactfully and subtly raised questions or concerns which reflect my (obviously) pro-gay stance.
Is it, however, a given?
I am not sure if it is embedded in my self-loathing attitudes, or whether it is a reflection of a deeper issue, but I am not necessarily overjoyed with my homosexuality. Sometimes, I even feel a tiny measure of shame, which in turn, produces even more shame at feeling ashamed. I claim to be very relaxed about my sexuality, yet I hesitate in declaring it to colleagues or newly-made friends for fear of their rejection. The first time I confessed my lesbian orientation to a female colleague, I started out by saying that: "Well, some might consider what I have to tell you a disease, while others find it morally repugnant..." Even now, I cringe at that statement. This raises the question: if we cannot accept ourselves, then how do we expect others to accept us?
Overcoming world views: a superhuman feat?
So now that I have fessed up to my sin(s), I have to wonder: does this make me a "bad" lesbian? Am I less of a person because I feel ashamed of who I am? Sadly, the answer is yes. Whatever the justification, there is no legitimate excuse for submitting to these societal pressures - not if we're aiming at overcoming homophobia and establishing same-sex marriage laws world-wide. If changing the mindsets of the world is our goal, then we might consider starting in the mirror first.
Now that I have established what the problem and the solution is, I suppose I have another task to add to my lengthy list of resolutions: being proud to be me (it goes without saying, that my sexuality is, of course, part of me).
Is that not, when all is said and done, what being a human is truly about?